The Fiction-Writing Directorate » Ethelie

Clear the Decks Friday: Flow Around

Ethelie — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 19:06:54 +0000

A Shameful Harlot

Darlings! Welcome to another delicious Friday! Let us all work together to clear our decks, shall we?

Earlier today, I sprang refreshed from the nourishing arms of slumber, eager to savour the day. After breaking my fast and performing my ablutions, I dove into the very first task on my list: a somewhat overdue assessment of an Agent’s performance with his writing goals.

It’s an important task, darling! Yet somehow, without me even noticting, over an hour slipped away into diversionary shenanigans of the most pointless kind. Oh, dear, I muttered, as I turned away from the internet. Oh dear, oh dear! I was supposed to be working! I’d set out full of enthusiasm, only to find myself adrift.

What had happened? How could my eagerness have been dissipated so easily?

I realized: I did not want to write the assessment. They are dreadful bureaucratic documents that only Ethelie could like; I can think of dozens — nay, hundreds! — of more felicitous uses of my time! Indeed, it makes perfect sense that I should wish to avoid it!

Yet why did I not simply set aside the loathsome task, and choose another? My list contained several wonderful items, including shopping for a present for one of my companions, posing for some salacious photographs, and obtaining a foot massage! The report isn’t even due until Monday. O Foolish Mind! It became so set upon completing the task I set it that it excluded all other tasks; so its only option, when it foundered on the shoals of avoidance, was to divert me into diversionary shenanigans.

Surely there is a better approach. Thus I set myself my theme for the day:

Instead, Flow Around.

When blocked, simply set the task aside, and select another.

I believe this approach requires three attributes if it is to succeed:

First, we must be vigilant, my loves. I am so accustomed to my avoidance that often, as happened this morning, I do not even notice when I have gone astray. Thus my first step is to simply pay attention.

Next, we must be kind, darlings. When you find yourself adrift, do not shout; simply gently reel your mind back in. You have avoided the task for a perfectly good reason; instead of stern recriminations, greet yourself with comfort. If you fall short, the Directorate will be ready with recriminations; you may safely leave the work of chastizement to us, and focus on being kind to yourself.

Finally, we must trust ourselves, beauties. Trust yourself to come back to the task you have set aside; trust your mind to quietly work to resolve its difficulties; trust that you can wisely choose the next task to which you apply yourself. Trust yourself to grow, to strengthen your skills, and to flourish. I fear this is the work of a lifetime — yet should we not begin it?

Join Me?

Talk to me in the comments, my scrumptious friends! What tasks are you avoiding? How can you best flow around them?

Clear the Decks Thursday: Vacation Edition

Ethelie — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 20:30:36 +0000

Ethelie

O my little Apple Blossoms! Tomorrow, the Staff of the Directorate departs for its annual Corporate Retreat; thus, we must Clear our Decks a day Early.

An imminent Vacation has a marvelously Focussing effect on one’s Mind, don’t you think? When one is faced with an Immovable Deadline, the essential tasks stand out with Marked Clarity, and all other Concerns fade into a Murky and Undistinguished background.

Already today I Labored with Mr. Boggins on revealing the new Directorate Emporium! Now you can purchase splendid Directorate goods, and constantly be Reminded of your Obligations by virtue of Gustav observing you from a Mug. Indeed, these are no Ordinary Mugs, but have the full Force and Power of the Directorate embedded in their Ceramic. Weaker Agents should not Purchase this Mug, lest they be Overpowered. But if you believe in your Strength and Committment, please Peruse the Wares.

Yet more Tasks await! I must ensure that Gustav has not smuggled Absinthe in his Luggage, so that we may Avoid repeating last year’s Debacle; I must lecture Lida on Propriety, and create a set of Flash Cards for her Reference in moments of Temptation. I must verify our Motivational Speaker’s travel arrangements; and I must attend to a Dozen–nay, a Hundred!–nay, a Thousand!–other details, before Clambering wearily into Lida’s Zeppelin, which will Convey us to our Undisclosed Location.

I fear I shall Sorely need your Companionship, when my Resolve grows Weary. Won’t you Join me in Clearing the Decks today?

Clear the Decks Friday: on Timers

Ethelie — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 21:58:36 +0000

Ethelie

O my little Mangolias! Welcome to another Edition of Clear the Decks Friday, in which we complete our most Troublesome Tasks together. For Clearing ones Decks has a Salubrious and Invigorating affect; and many Agents find themselves Turning to their Writing with renewed Vigour.

Let us Begin!

Today I wish to expound on the numberless Benefits of a time-Honored productivity Tool: the humble Timer. The Fiction-Writing Directorate employs Timers in a variety of Manners. My Favorite is to place the Recalcitrant Writer on a platform suspended over a Pit of Ravenous Wolverines, and set a Timer. If the Writer completes his or her Designated Task before the Timer sounds, and with perfect Focus, then all is Well.

But if the timer’s Dulcet Tones ring out first, or I see that the Writer’s Mind has Wandered far afield, I pull a Lever which tips the Platform, and the Writer plummets into the bloody Pit, and his Screams ring out above the vicious Snarls of the Wolverines as they feed.

Thus we see the Timer has a marvelously Focusing effect on the Mind of the Writer.

Timers for Home Use

I do not expect that our Readers are equipped with their own Wolverine-Pits (and most home Wolverine-Pits are simply not large enough for this Purpose). Fear not, my little Douglas Firs! Even without a Pit, Platform, and Lever of Doom, you can achieve an implacable Focus simply by using a Timer.

First, select your Timer. You may use a simple Kitchen Timer, your Alarm Clock, download a Timer to your Computer, find a Plug-In for your Browser, use a Timer on the Inter-Webs, or any of a Thousand possibilities. Delicate Flowers and Mystics may like the Zen Timer on their iPhone; Sturdier types may prefer an Obnoxiously Loud alarm. It does not matter in the Least which Timer you use; all that Matters is that you Select one.

Perhaps I shall ask Webmaster Boggins to build a Special timer for the Directorate. Perhaps, my little Cauli-Flowers.

Select your Task

Once you have chosen your Timer, select your Task. I beseech you, Writer, do not become Lost among your Tasks, the maze of your Endless Lists, your careful Color-Coding and Prioritization Scheme. Simply pick a Task. Select one Randomly if you must.

Set your Timer and Begin

It is time to Set yourself upon a Platform suspended above a Wolverine-Pit — using only the powers of your Mind! My little Cabbage-Rose, you are a Writer, so I trust you will have no significant Difficulty imagining the Scenario. Imagine the Snarls of the Wolverines; smell the Stench of their Anal Sacs; see its sturdy Limbs and fierce Teeth. Feel the Precarious Balance of your Platform.

Imagine the Platform tipping because your mind Wandered or you did not Complete your task. O, what a horrid Fate!

Magnificently Focusing, isn’t it?

Now set your Timer, and Begin. Think of Nothing but your Task until the Timer chimes; let all other Concerns fade away.

Report!

What is your Task? How long will you set your Timer? Tell us, and then Begin! Later, report: did you Succeed? Or were the Wolverines sated with your Flesh?

An Exhortation: Concerning Inspiration

Ethelie — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 01:21:17 +0000

Some days, it seems the Halls of the Directorate are filled with Agents bemoaning their Lack of Inspiration.

Pah! What a feeble Excuse! Henceforth, any Agent who dares Proffer it will be Imprisoned in a dark Closet with the Plot Spider and her little Spiderlings. Perhaps the sensation of Thousands of tiny Feet clambering over your Helpless Body will prove sufficient Inspiration.

However, I fear that Agents who are not in the Environs of the Directorate may not Benefit from such gentle Inspiration. Hence, I offer alternate Sources. I encourage you to Peruse these Offerings. What exquisite Tales hide in each, waiting only for your Skill and Persistence to bring them Forth!

The Library of Congress digital collection contains a wealth of images, audio files, videos, and printed documents on any Subject you can Imagine. Who could not be Inspired by Images such as this?

Terror at the Library of Congress

Art: Tor.com’s A Is For Artist series neatly arranges Artists in Alphabetical Order, providing easy Access to Hundreds of images sure to Strike you with Inspiration.

Science: Peruse Scientific American or New Scientist for Tantilizing developments in the Scientific Arts. Consider these headlines:

Surely you needn’t even read the Articles to think of a dozen Tales!

Pinterest: Peruse collections of Images curated by other Users. (The Directorate wishes to thank Ms. Eliason for bringing this Web-Site to our Awareness.)

Lighten Up: Sometimes, the finest Inspiration comes in the form the subtle Humor of Ms. Hyperbole, and the Fish Post in particular.

Inspiration is Everywhere

If nothing else, I trust this List of Splendid Resources serves to Demonstrate the wealth of Inspiration that Surrounds you. Your Recalcitrance, I fear, has murkier Roots, and the feeble cry “But I don’t have an Idea!” is but a cowardly Facade. Wrest your Idea from the Aether — and then Confront the true Nature of your Reluctance, ere you are confronted by a Hound.

Upon what Sources of Inspiration do you rely? Share with us in the Comments, Brave Agents!

Clear the Decks Friday: Eliminate the Nebulous

Ethelie — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 18:58:22 +0000

Ethelie

O my little Galapagos Tortoises! Welcome to the first Clear the Decks Friday. After experiencing the Salubrious Benefits of Clearing our Decks in December, we wanted to Ensure that our Decks remained Clear, and encourage you to do Likewise. Therefore, each Friday, we will Gather together to work on our unseemly Tasks, and benefit both from Companionship and the delights of Completion. Let us work on the Tasks which we have Avoided.

As I consider my Lingering Tasks for the week, I am appalled at how Quickly they accumulate. Why, our Decks were clear less than a Fortnight ago; yet already they have grown Cluttered again. Like Liberty, the price of Clear Decks is Eternal Vigilance.

Several of my Tasks this day have one common element: a Trace of the Nebulous. “Deal with Agent Percy L. Featherbottom,” for example. Since my Work is nothing but dealing with Agents, you might Believe this task to be Clear — so why hasn’t Agent Featherbottom been Dealt With? What is the source of my Resistance? In this Case, the last Communication I received from Agent Featherbottom told a Woeful Tale of his unjust Imprisonment for a Crime he did not Commit. The bylaws of the Directorate do allow for Lenience in case of being Framed for Murder; but was this such a case? Agent Featherbottom has told Falsehoods before, such as the time he claimed he could not Write because he had been Abducted by an absurdly ominous group of Papists and forced to learn the Catechism; but he has also survived Extraordinary Life Experiences, such as his Daring Rescue of a beautiful young Heiress from a Haunted Mansion.

I simply did not know the Truth, and thus found Diversions for myself, instead of completing my Task. It can be terribly Difficult to complete a Task when the precise nature of it is Nebulous.

The solution, my little Monarch Butterflies, is to examine each Task which you have been Avoiding. Scrutinize it for any trace of the Nebulous, and take steps to Remove the stain of the Uncertain, that you may move forward with Sureness.

In the case of Agent Featherbottom, a simple exercise in Telephony revealed that the recalcitrant Scoundrel was hiding in his mother’s Parlour with a pipe of Opium, and was not in gaol at all! For shame, Agent Featherbottom! Once the true Situation was revealed, my Task was clear, and the Hounds feasted.

Join Us

What tasks have you been Avoiding? How might the Elimination of the Nebulous assist? Tell us in the Comments; and when you have Completed your Tasks, let us know, that we may Honor you with Absinthe and Respect.

Introducing the Art of Shiva Nata

Ethelie — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 02:47:15 +0000

The Fiction-Writing Directorate is Delighted to announce that Ms. Beth Wodzinski, renowned Shiva Nata instructor, is joining the Staff of the Directorate. She will instruct Agents in the ancient Dance of Shiva. — Ethelie.

Hi, I’m Beth. I am both surprised and pleased to find myself employed by the Fiction-Writing Directorate.

Beth

I’m a certified Dance of Shiva instructor, and am really looking forward to bringing this practice to the recalcitrant writers of the Directorate. I bet the Dance of Shiva can help you keep your limbs from being devoured by the Hounds: it can help dissolve blocks, give you energy, and help your creativity flow.

Shiva What?

In the words of my teacher, Havi Brooks: “Shiva Nata (Andrey Lappa’s Dance of Shiva) is a yoga-based mind-body training system that builds new neural connections and stimulates epiphanies.”

It’s a system of very simple arm and leg movements that combine in a series of increasingly complicated and mind-altering patterns. It’s sort of like patting your head while rubbing your stomach, only a lot more complicated. Want to see a demo? Here’s a video Andrey Lappa, the world expert, and this one’s Havi Brooks.

Looks fun, right? It is.

How Does Dance of Shiva Work?

The idea is that by practicing the movements of shiva nata, your customary patterns get interrupted, and new ones can emerge.

I like to think of it this way: picture your brains as a big bucket of marbles. Some are really pretty; some are probably dusty; and some have some ancient black tar or something on them.

Shiva nata is like taking this bucket of marbles, filling it up with water and maybe a tiny bit of soap. Gently shake the bucket, and rinse well.

What do your marbles look like now? A lot of them are shiny, with all the dust rinsed off. Maybe there’s a little less of that sticky black stuff that was on the other ones. And they’ve all been rearranged into new positions. Everything looks different and easier.

It’s not about losing your marbles: just about rearranging them.

That’s what shiva nata does, in just a few minutes.

But I’m a Writer, Not a Dancer! What Will This Do For Me?

You have patterns. (That’s not a bad thing; everything’s a pattern.) Some of those patterns involve your writing, and I bet you’d like to have some better patterns.

The way you watch TV all night instead of working on your short story? That’s a pattern.

The way you screw around on the internet all day instead of working on your novel? That’s a pattern.

The way you “forget” to submit your completed stories? That’s a pattern.

Or maybe you don’t even know what your patterns are – sometimes we’re the very last ones to realize how we act.

Dance of Shiva helps you see your patterns, and helps you see new ways to work with them – effortlessly. All of a sudden you might realize that if you spend your lunch break working on your short stories, you can have your entire night free for guiltless relaxation. Or you might realize that whenever you sit down to write, you hear your second grade teacher’s critical voice telling you that you suck.

So shiva nata is a great tool for working with your patterns. It can help you dissolve your blocks and flourish.

But there’s more.

Fiction has patterns, too. The complex interactions of character, setting, action, emotion, word choice — it’s all patterns. And just as shiva nata can give you fresh perspectives on your own patterns, it can give you fresh perspectives on the patterns in your fiction.

Stuck on a plot point? Try some shiva nata.

Character seems flat? Try some shiva nata.

Your prose is dull and listless? Try some shiva nata.

What Next?

If you’re ready to get started now, you could get the Shiva Nata Starter Kit from Havi Brooks (affiliate link). The kit includes Andrey’s DVD, which teaches you the arm positions and enough levels to keep you busy for years, and Havi’s additional materials explain how it all works, why it’s amazing, and how to fit it into your life.

Or just hang out here at the Fiction-Writing Directorate. I’ll be writing about Shiva Nata for writers every week. And that, my friends, is why you should avidly read every word I say about the fun and useful art of Shiva Nata. (To be sure you don’t miss a word, sign up for updates by email in the box at the left.)

Questions?

Ask ‘em in the comments.

On the Merits of Clearing the Decks

Ethelie — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 15:00:29 +0000

Ethelie

O my little Cuttlefish!

This December past, the staff of the Fiction-Writing Directorate undertook a marvelous Experiment: Clear the Decks December. The results were so Salubrious, we knew we must Share them with you. We encourage you to undertake a similar Experiment of your own, that you may also Benefit.

Our Unspeakable Problem

Our list of Terribly Important Tasks was unending. Tasks, like Biscuit-Crumbs, have a devious Manner about them, and accumulate rapidly despite one’s best Efforts to brush them off one’s Bosom; and before long, one finds oneself veritably Buried. Attend to this Message, burn that Message in the Hearth-fire; ensure that the Verbhounds nibble only the smallest Finger of this balky Writer but devours the Leg entire of that; chastize Lida for both this and that; and on and on it goes. I trust you are Familiar with the Phenomenon.

Yet we knew we had Great Work to achieve in 2011. How, we wondered, could we find the Time and Resources to do Great Work, when we were already Overwhelmed by a vast Ocean of work?

The answer, I fear, was that we simply could not. Even the Directorate has its limits–yea, even I have my own Limits!–and we had Reached them, by Virtue of great Bravery and Effort, like Captain Robert Scott reaching the South Pole. Yet all of our (very considerable) Bravery and Courage were no longer enough! Lest we Perish like Captain Scott, we knew we must take Immediate and Decisive Action.

Our Ambitious Plan

We huddled together like Survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse to make our Plan. We dreamed of the empty List. Just think of it, my little Emperor Penguins! What would it be like if your List were Truly and Honestly empty? Dream of the majestic Silence and Space of the South Pole. Dream of a vast white Canvas upon which to Splash your dreams of 2011.

Yet we could not simply Discard our tasks like so much Rubbish. Each represented an Intent and an Obligation and a Dream; they were no mere Clutter. Oh, perhaps some of them could be Culled, like the weakest Pups in a Litter; but most required Action.

Thus we Decided: we would give ourselves one Month to Clear our Decks of all the Detritus which made Great Work seem so Appalling and Impossible. We would forge our own Antarctica!

How to Clear the Decks

Begin by crying, as we did, No new work! Slam shut the Gates and bind them with a heavy Chain. Your Work is to Clear the Decks, and that Effort will require Daunting amounts of Energy, Enthusiasm, Skill, and Persistence. Let the new Work wait until your Decks are Clear, and you can approach it with a Clear Heart. Give yourself the Gift of Time to clear your Decks. If they could be Cleared in the course of Ordinary Events, my little Mallards, they would be Clear already, would they not? Indeed! Thus you must ensure that the course of Ordinary Events does not Infringe upon this Work.

Next, create a mighty List. Make it as Complete as possible — all lingering Tasks must be Listed, or, like unwritten Words, they may Fester. If it has Lingered on your List or in your Mind, write it down. Cast your net Widely! Consider your Work: what modest tasks have you Neglected because they are too Terrible or too Trivial to tackle? Consider your Home: is it Clean and in Good Repair? Consider your Body: Is it Clean and in Good Repair? Consider your Relationships: have you called your Mother? Paid your Nurse-Maid? And thus Proceed: Consider each aspect of your Life, and make your mighty List.

Then expose each Task to the brutal Light of Day. Is it still Essential? What is the most Efficacious way to Achieve it? Add, remove, revise Tasks with Abandon until you have Achieved a list that you are Satisfied is both Complete and Streamlined.

After that, my little Buttercups, you have only to do the Work. Apply yourself! Persist!

Five Salubrious Benefits

Ah, yes, it is a terrible amount of Work, indeed. Much of it is Drudgery; for if this Work was Felicitous, you would not have Avoided it, would you? But I assure you, my little Rat-Terriers, the Benefits of completing Long-avoided Tasks are most Salubrious. Attend!

1. The most obvious Benefit of completing Tasks is simply that you Achieve the End you intended when you set yourself the Task. It was on your List for a Reason: now you may enjoy the Fruits of your Labor.

2. Each incomplete Task, however Trivial, weighs up on your Soul. Each Task is a Promise you have made to yourself — a promise you have Broken by not Completing it. Thus each task becomes Burdened with Guilt and Shame, and is Vastly heavier than it might otherwise be. Completing the Task not only relieves you of the Task, but of the associated Shame. You might also find the Shame Bucket efficacious in similar cases. Completing an ancient Task feels exquisite.

3. Each incomplete Task, however Trivial, weighs upon your Mind. Incomplete tasks live in Agony, and insist that you Complete them. Oh, yes, my little Snow-Geese, you have Steeled yourselves to their Cries; you have turned your Ears to Stone that you may not hear their Piteous Whispers, their Insidious Wails, their desolate Murmurs at Dawn. But a part of you Knows of the Suffering of the Incomplete; you cannot forget Entire. Complete the Tasks, and know Peace of Mind.

4. The Snowball of Victory: as each Task is completed, your Momentum builds and builds. At first it is the Tiniest Snowflake; then the Flake accumulates others in its Wake and becomes a Snowball, and Plummets ever-faster down the Slope. But do not stop at a mere Snowball, my little Apple-Blossoms! Let each Victory lead to the Next, until you have created a veritable Avalanche of Victory! Persist, and you will build an Implacable Habit of Action.

5. Your Own Personal Antarctica: Having completed our Mighty List for December, we found ourselves very much where we Anticipated: in a Blissful and Zen-like state of Emptiness. We were pure Potential, unmired by our ancient Burdens, our sordid Pasts and our Fears. We had truly given ourselves the magnificent gift of a Blank Slate.

I am so Eager to see what we make of this Opportunity.

Won’t you Join Us?

Would you like to Clear your own Decks this January? Each Friday, we will undertake a Clearing. This feeling is too Delicious to let it become Overwhelmed by the usual Accumulation; so we have Vowed to dedicate one day each Week to Clearing. You’re invited to Join us. Simply visit the Directorate on Friday and join the Clearing Workshop. Set aside the Time, and Complete your work.

Until then, my little Rubber-Trees, tell us about your Experiences with Tasks and their Completion. Speak below; our Comments section simply cannot fill itself.

The Year in Review

Ethelie — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 19:59:41 +0000

O my little Holly-Berries!

I write today’s Post, the Last of the Year, aquiver with Excitement.

Our Year in Review

O my little Mistletoe! What an Extraordinary year for the Fiction-Writing Directorate. In February we broke Centuries of staid Silence and stepped out into the InterWebs so that we might further Pursue our Mission. Since then, we Released our Manifesto, created our first Course and befriended the Giant Squid. To our Despair, and the Beastmaster’s Delight, no less than Thirteen unfortunate Writers were Devoured entire by the Hounds, and Dozens more now sport finely crafted Prosthetic Limbs to replace the ones upon which the Hounds have Feasted.

Our New Look

What a splendid job Mr. Boggins has done of Tidying up our Web-Site! I have perhaps Underestimated the man’s Skills; I shall not make that Error again. Nor shall I make the Error of allowing him to Paint a Mural in the Drawing-Room. Though he has thoroughly Whitewashed his Evil Deed, the stronger Lines of his Creation seep through. I shudder.

The Fiction-Writing Directorate extends its thanks to all those without whose skilled Assistance our new Look would be less Delicious: Ms. Rasmussen-Silverstein for her rendition of the Hounds; Ms. Wilson for her Header, and of course Mr. Boggins for his Aesthetic Sensibilities.

Our New Course

Whilst vacationing in chilly Splendor at the Ice Hotel, I put the Finishing Touches on our Course! Many months ago we Surveyed you to better Understand your needs and Desires, and this magnificent Course is the Result. Writing Whilst Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse: Nine Essential Teachings is now Available. To ensure that the Maximum number of Writers remain Undevoured by the Undead, this Course is entirely Free and entirely Wonderful.

I strongly Recommend that you Enroll immediately. It would be Complacent to assume that no Zombies will lurch through your Holidays; Be Prepared.

Our New Year

But we shall not rest on our Laurels, no matter how Cushiony and Fragrant they may be. We shall march Bravely into the new Year, and Unveil new Wonders to Help and Delight. We shall Post regularly, with Exhortations and Cautionary Tales. We will Introduce you to the Ancient Art of Shiva Nata, a System which Expeditiously dissolves most Auctorial Blocks. We shall offer exciting Products, from Workshops to Coffee-Mugs.

Perhaps 2011 will be the Year in which all our Agents write Freely: and the Hounds go Hungry. Won’t you Join us?

On the Merits of Giving Up

Ethelie — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 22:59:27 +0000

The Directorate is filled with the Wails of Agents who struggle with their NaNoWriMo Novels. Oh, to be sure, many Agents have flourished this Month, typing Hundreds of Thousands of exquisite words. We applaud them!

But others, despite the Directorate’s best Efforts, languish. It is almost as if the Ungrateful Wretches do this out of Spite.

An Example of a Struggling Writer

Let me Present to you the example of Agent Sweetman-Gross. This Unfortunately Hyphenated agent came to me Yesterday, weeping. She was nearly twenty-thousand words Behind, and doubted she would ever Succeed. Indeed, I shared her Doubts. She was a Terrible sight to behold: both Legs had been fed to the Verb-Hounds, and her Wounds seeped a foul-smelling Substance. Boggins laid down a Plastic Sheet so she would not Soil the Carpeting. Her eyes were Haggard, her flesh Pale, her hair Stringy and Unwashed. Such Agony was visited upon her by her Refusal to Write! O, Recalictrant Writers, be ye not like Agent Sweetman-Gross.

“Perhaps you should quit,” I told her.

She gaped at me, rather Stupidly.

“Indeed,” I said. “Quit. Your Agony is quite Revolting, and I cannot Bear the stench of your Infected Wounds. Quit!”

Agent Sweetman-Gross was Silent for many Minutes, then raised her Tremulous Eyes to meet Mine. “Really?” she said, with a Heartbreaking tone of Hope in her Voice. Ah, I had not been Wrong: she was Ready to Quit.

“Really,” I said, firmly. “You shall Remain at the Directorate to have your Wounds treated and to get a Good Night’s Slumber; then you are Free of any Obligation to Write.” With that I turned back to the day’s News-Papers. Agent Sweetman-Gross hobbled off to the Infirmary.

The Next Day she was Much Improved.

A sound Night’s sleep had worked Wonders upon her: her Skin had attained a Rosy Glow, her Wounds bore Clean bandages, and her Uncontrollable Trembling had nearly Vanished. With the terrible Burden of writing Removed, she was Thriving. I left her to Devour an enormous Breakfast, and went about my Business. Later that Afternoon I chanced to Encounter her in the Library, where she was Frantically working at a Type-Writing machine.

“It’s my novel,” she admitted, Sheepishly, when I inquired.

I smiled: for thus had been my Devious Scheme all along. It worked Perfectly!

How Quitting Cures Writer’s Block–Sometimes

You see, my little Striped Bass, for many Writers, pressure is Inimicable to their Creative Desires. Relieve the Pressure, and as if by Magic, the words begin to Flow again. The true Heart of the Writer can once again Beat out its Mighty Rhythm, and keep Time with the Type-writing Machine.

I must Caution you: this splendid Technique only Works if performed with utter Sincerity. You must truly be ready to Give Up, to trade your Dreams of Auctorial Glory for a Cessation of Suffering. You must truly have Decided that it is not worth the Agony. You may Indeed discover that you have Truly Quit: do not Attempt this unless that is more Desirable than the Gall and Bitter Wormwood of your Attempts to Write.

Further, you must be Genuine when you Quit, for Creativity knows a Fraud when it sees it. You cannot pretend to Quit and expect the Floodgates to Open. If you have not Truly quit, the Burden is not Truly released, and your Muse is not Truly free.

Are you Ready to Quit and be Free?

This Solution is not for Every-One and should not be undertaken Lightly. Have you ever Quit, only to feel a Marvelous resurgence of Purpose? Tell us in the Comments, my little Mallards!

The NaNoWriMo Survival Guide

Ethelie — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 16:55:55 +0000

O my little March Hares! In a few short Hours, it will be November, which means Novel-Writing Season, under the Gentle Auspices of NaNoWriMo. For the Benefit of the Uninitiated, participants must Write 50,000 words in the month of November. Some Writers report tremendous amounts of Fun occuring.

The Directorate is of Two Minds concerning this Phenomenon. One mind Relishes the thought of so many Brave Writers simply Writing. Yet another Mind trembles: for each Writer that completes their allotted Words, hundreds — perhaps even Thousands — of other writers Perish in the Attempt, and their abandoned Words fester, and soon Rise and Walk the Earth on their Spindly Limbs, and Devour the Creative Soul of their Erstwhile Authors.

Indeed, it is the Mission of the Directorate to ensure that Words Get Written, lest the Worst occur; thus we Fear all the unwritten words Spawned by NaNoWriMo. Hence, we have Compiled our most Useful References for NaNoWriMo Participants. Read this List and Learn, my little Acorn Squash! We Trust it will be of Use to you in your Quest to subsiste sermonem statim et scribe.

Inspirational Guidance

How To Write a Novel in 30 Days, by Esteemed Novelist Catherynne M. Valente. The Directorate particularly enjoys Rule Five: Don’t Fail.

Next, turn your attention to Mr. Kerouac’s Belief and Technique for Modern Prose. You’re a Genius all the Time.

Finally, Sugar challenges you to Write Like a Motherfucker.

Plot Development Techniques

Some writers find it Felicitous to simply Write, and let the Plot unmask itself in the Moment instead of by Plan. Other Writers, however, suffer Great Anguish from not knowing their Plots in Advance. If you are the Latter type of Author, perhaps these Lessons will be of Benefit.

The Snowflake Method: Begin with a one-sentence Summary, and develop the Details in methodical way.

Sketch a Novel in an Hour exercise: Eleven questions guide you to a Plot.

Miscellanea

Lest ye Forget, Dr. Wicked’s Write or Die forces you to write Quickly or Suffer the Consequences.

Do not Underestimate the NaNoWriMo site itself as a Source of Encouragement and Wisdom. Your local Forums may provide Companionship and Solace; the National Forums may provide Information, Dares, and Support.

Prepare Yourselves, young Writers!

Your adventure begins at Midnight.

How may we be of Assistance?