Welcome, Brave Writers.
O Writers! Do you Suffer from Writer's-Block? The Fiction-Writing Directorate can Help!
Our Exhortations will Inspire you; our Exercises will Strengthen you; and the Ancient Art of Shiva Nata will Enlighten you.
Read! Write! Flourish!
Or Else.
Subsiste statim sermonem et scribe.
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By Gustav, on January 15th, 2011%
The Lovely and Brave Miss Cornelius
[When the Fiction-Writing Directorate stepped out from years of shadowy silence to embrace the brave new world of the internet and its values of authenticity and transparency, I set myself the task of telling the tragic and illuminating tale of Miss Callista Cornelius. Before I told much of the tale, however, I was viciously attacked by an unknown assailant. To my shame, I let my cowardice get the better of me, and fell silent.
Miss Cornelius, however, deserves better; and thus I shall resume her tale.
You may wish to re-read the first installment of this series. . . . → Read More: Miss Cornelius Meets the Director
By Gustav, on November 5th, 2010%
Concerning the Evils of NaPhreAppMo
Gustav
November, not April, is the cruelest month, for it brings the horror that is NaPhreAppMo: National Phrenologist Apprenticeship Month, in which hundreds of thousands of would-be phrenologists declare themselves “apprentices” and go out into the world, shaving the heads of strangers and creating bad drawings of the features of their skulls.
If these erstwhile phrenologists cannot find willing volunteers, they either chloroform the unwary, or simply invent drawings of imaginary people and unicorns. I myself do not leave Directorate headquarters during the entire month of November, lest I be accosted by an earnest young protophrenologist.
They then believe . . . → Read More: On the Horrors of People Liking Things I Do Not
By Gustav, on October 27th, 2010%
Gustav
“You must help me!” cried Agent Frederick. The young agent, normally so self-composed, sat in my study, weeping missishly.
“Pull yourself together, lad!” I said, sternly. He took a deep breath, and wiped his eyes on his coat-sleeve (the one covering his prosthetic arm) and blew his nose grotesquely. “What is it this time?”
“I have too many things to do!” he said, and his lower lip began to tremble. Indeed, the lad was quite busy: in addition to his writing, he was engaged as the phrenologist’s apprentice, supported his consumptive sister by obtaining corpses for an anatomist, volunteered in the Temperance . . . → Read More: The Phrenologist’s Apprentice: The Directorate Guide to Getting Enough Done
By Gustav, on May 31st, 2010%
Gustav
Not long ago, I was charged with “counseling” a recalcitrant writer. Agent Cloudfeather should have been working on his horror novel about the zombie invasion of a small Western mining town. O, Yes, dear reader, our recent mining experience makes this novel particularly harrowing for me. Nevertheless, I did my duty and and ensured that this author completed his work.
When I confronted Agent Cloudfeather (gently, I assure you! why, I bought him a delicious coffee beverage at a local cafe!), he swore to me that he had the finest of intentions, but did not know what to write about. His . . . → Read More: What To Write About When You Don’t Know What To Write About
By Gustav, on May 5th, 2010%
In Part One of this tale, Our Heroes learned of their Urgent Need for a Manifesto (lest their Web-Site license be revoked!), and traveled Bravely to the Manifesto Mines of Kazakhstan. Upon arrival, they found themselves Surrounded by angry Miners with Rifles! In Part Two, Lida distracted the hostile miners while Gustav and Ethelie crept into the mine. Many hours later, our Intrepid Trio fled Kazakhstan just moments before the mine exploded!
Gustav
I have hesitated: I do not know if this woeful tale should be told. There are reasons why strong men blanch at the thought of the Manifesto Mines of . . . → Read More: On the Creation of the Manifesto, Part III
By Gustav, on April 8th, 2010%
Gustav
Oh, dear. You have been procrastinating, haven’t you?
I am very, very disappointed.
You must realize we know when you aren’t writing. Every time you decide to watch “Lost” instead of writing, every time you sleep late instead of arising to devote yourself to your work, every time you decide to have lunch with a coworker instead of writing — every time you avoid your work, the Threat Board in the Directorate’s Command Center lights up.
The Board has been burning with the light of a thousand suns recently, and so Ethelie has charged me with sharing my best strategies for getting writers . . . → Read More: Use Synchronicity to End Writer’s Block
By Gustav, on March 3rd, 2010%
As promised in my Introduction, a Brief History of the Fiction-Writing Directorate. From the notes of Miss Callista Cornelius, transcribed from the handwritten original and annotated by Gustav Tauszig. Posted despite acts of violence and coersion.
Miss Cornelius was a striking young woman, and it is an honor to present her notes to you.
Miss Callista Cornelius
November 15
Arrival at the Directorate. What a bore this job looks to be! I’ve been commissioned to write some sort of pamphlet about this stodgy old literary society, the sort of thing they give to their members around the holidays, and everyone stands awkwardly around . . . → Read More: Miss Cornelius Arrives
By Gustav, on February 17th, 2010%
I fear something dreadful has happened.
Yesterday, as I was leaving the Beastmaster’s quarters after indulging Ethelie’s hysteria, I decided to settle in the library with my copy of Miss Cornelius’s notes about the history of the Directorate. I lost myself in the work, and and only lifted my weary eyes from the pages when I heard — or thought I heard — a stealthy footstep behind me. The next thing I remember is a terrible blow to my head, and then all went dark.
I awoke untold hours later — I do not know how much time passed while I lay helpless . . . → Read More: Training Exercise #12: An Apology
By Gustav, on February 16th, 2010%
Ethelie’s doctors have sedated her with laudanum; her incessant rantings about how a dark and nefarious enemy pushed her down the stairs were disturbing the other patients in the infirmary. That leaves the task of setting your daily writing exercise to me. I shall endeavor to do my best.
Poor Ethelie! To indulge her, I did indeed go to the Beastmaster’s quarters, though of course I did not find any evidence that he pushed her. What on Earth did Ethelie think I would find? A to-do list with “Shove Ethelie” checked off? An overdue notice from the library for the book How . . . → Read More: Training Exercise #11: Scent
By Gustav, on February 3rd, 2010%
Today I had to take poor Markus, my corpulent cat, to the Beastmaster for treatment. I fear Markus is not well.The emanations from his body are foul and plentiful, but I trust that the Beastmaster will be able to heal him. Yet I worry: no matter how much I trust the Beastmaster; no matter how unmanly such concern is; no matter how much skill I have in my job; all I can do is wait.
To distract myself from fretting overmuch, I turned my thoughts to an exercise for our new agents.
Please write a paragraph in which a character faces a medical . . . → Read More: Training Exercise #3
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