The Fiction-Writing Directorate

O my little Robins! I have a special Treat for you today!

So many Agents are Frustrated, Afraid, Struggling, Overwhelmed. You are Daunted by the Vastness of the Task before you; you Doubt your ability to do it Well; you are Busy with the Multitude of Interests and Responsibilities that make up your Life; You are Swamped by the Demands and Expectations of Others; you simply don’t Want to.

But I promise you, my Darlings: if you have the Time and the Courage and the Freedom to read these Words, you have Everything you need to create Miracles in your Writing. The task I propose for you is no more Difficult than reading this Post.

It is a Tiny task; yet undertaken Faithfully, will change Everything for you, in mere Moments.

Are you Ready, my brave little Rosebuds?

It is simply this: Write for the next Five Minutes, and then Stop.

You don’t have Time to write? It is only Five Minutes; I know you can find the time.

You have Other demands upon you? It is only Five Minutes; I know you can put off your other Responsibilities for that long. Steal Five Minutes while the Baby slumbers or the Stew stews.

You can’t Bear to be Awful? It is only Five Minutes; I know you can Survive engaging with what you see as your Flaws for that long.

You can’t see the Point? Ah, my little Cranberry, Writing is nothing more than a series of Five-Minute Miracles, one after the other. You do not need to Build the entire Road today; just lay the first Cobble-stone.

It is too Easy to be Consumed by Despair, to be Caught up in our Fears and Excuses, to forget how to Perform the Task at hand. It is too easy to believe it is Impossible.

The Five-Minute Miracle reminds you that Writing is simple, and all you Must do is Simply Write. Set aside all the Reasons you Don’t write for a moment, and Write. Once you are Finished, you may Return to your Doubts and Fears and Impossibilities.

Subsiste sermonem statim et scribe.

Report below when you have Completed today’s Mission.

O my little Pumpkins!

A common Complaint of new Agents is that they lack Ideas. “Woe!” they cry; “my Font of Inspiration is Dry, and no new Stories spring Forth.”

“Pshaw,” I tell them, Sternly, though most of them do not believe that “Pshaw” can sound Stern until I demonstrate the Technique for them. “Ideas are all Around you; you have only to Reach out your trembling Hand and grasp them.”

Begin like So:

1. Select the nearest Volume, whether of Prose or Poetry.

2. Open the Volume at Random.

The nearest Volume was Mr. Redgrove’s “Bygone Beliefs.” I flipped the Pages aimlessly, and my finger chanced upon this passage, concerning Cocks:

The cock has always been reckoned a bird possessed of magic power. At its crowing, we are told, all unquiet spirits who roam the earth depart to their dismal abodes, and the orgies of the Witches’ Sabbath terminate. A cock is the favourite sacrifice offered to evil spirits in Ceylon and elsewhere. Alectromancy was an ancient and peculiarly senseless method of divination (so called) in which a cock was employed. The bird had to be young and quite white. Its feet were cut off and crammed down its throat with a piece of parchment on which were written certain Hebrew words. The cock, after the repetition of a prayer by the operator, was placed in a circle divided into parts corresponding to the letters of the alphabet, in each of which a grain of wheat was placed. A certain psalm was recited, and then the letters were noted from which the cock picked up the grains, a fresh grain being put down for each one picked up. These letters, properly arranged, were said to give the answer to the inquiry for which divination was made. I am not sure what one was supposed to do if, as seems likely, the cock refused to act in the required manner.

My goodness. Who couldn’t think of a dozen Stories in which a Cock refuses to act in the Required Manner?

3. Now simply Write a Story, using your Random Passage as the Inspiration.

Write, my little Lemurs!

Or else.

O my little Petunias! Today’s exercise is most Delicious. All you must do is these three simple steps:

1. Consider the Fiction you have read recently. What have you most Adored? What has Inspired you? What has Delighted you? What has Challenged you?

2. Pen a Letter of Gratitude to the Author. Many Authors can be found on their Web-Sites; others may be reached via their Publishers. Tell the Author how much you Enjoyed his or her Work. If the Author you admire is no longer Living, simply send the Message via the Usual Channels.

3. In the course of your Contemplation and Letter-Writing, let yourself be Reminded of what Splendor drew you to Writing at all. Let the Fires of your Enthusiasm be Rekindled. Reread the Works that Inspired you; Regain the Mind that could so easily be Inspired.

Then, my little Pachyderms, turn your Refreshed Mind back to your own Writing, and Prosper.

O my little Harpsichords! A fresh Month is Upon us, and what better time to Consider fresh Beginnings?

Your Excercise:

Write three marvelous Beginnings. Yes, yes, some of you Performed this Exercise last Month; to you I say, one always needs Fresh Beginnings. Why, when I was in Training as a Directorate Agent, we were required to write Five fresh beginnings Each Morning before Breakfast! ‘Twas a most felicitous habit, and one which has Served me well.

Record your Beginnings in your Note-Book, or type them as Comments below for all to marvel at and applaud.

Write!

O! What a lovely lot of Introspection you have all Undertaken! As a Reward for your Bravery in Observing your Fears and Trepidations, I offer to you the Opportunity to Play.

Simply compose a Brief Scene that combines the following Elements.

• A modest glass of Absinthe
• An overturned Pew
• Three Mandarin Oranges
• A Rail-Road Engine
• A Wooden Hair-Brush, painted Black
• The skeleton of a Fish
• An old Despair
• The sound of Bells
• A Scarf, left Behind

Enjoy, my little Blackbirds! Play! Stretch your Writing Muscles freely! Frolic! Gambol, even, if you Dare.

And Write.

Yes, my little Petunias, I know I asked you to Exercise several Weeks ago. But don’t you think it is Time to get your Heart Pumping again?

This time, as you Walk, or Swim, or Dance, or whatever Bizarre form of Movement you Choose, ponder your Lists. As your Vital Fluids course through your Body, consider your Excuses. Consider your Fears. Record any Additional fears or Excuses that you Observe. Uncover festering Fears that lurk even deeper.

Consider, consider.

The Directorate has been Fortunate enough to have many Years of expert Advice on Fears and their Eradication; we have hosted a Brilliant pantheon of Experts, who have Taught us many Strategies. We shall begin Conveying some of their Wisdom to our Agents. But the first Step, my little Dumplings, is Awareness.

Walk, and Consider, and keep Writing anyway.

O, my little Garbanzo Beans! This week, we will turn our Exercises to the Internal. We shall Investigate our very Souls, and thus armed with Precious Knowledge, we shall Gird our Loins and Write bravely Onward.

You may do these Exercises in your Note-Book, and make your Report here to discuss your Findings. Gustav and I are busy with our own Investigations of the Insidious Evil that has Infected the Directorate, but never Fear that we do not have you in our Hearts.

Your Exercise:

Why are you not Writing? What are your Excuses? Simply Observe: we will attempt to Remedy the situation later. For now, simply Observe and Record every Recalcitrant instinct. Here is a Sample from my Journal this past Week-End, when I undertook this Exercise:

9:15 AM: Reason: Would prefer to eat Crumpets.

9:25 AM: Crumpet crumbs between the Keys of the Type-Writing Machine. Also, Out of Crumpets.

9:30 AM: Too Distracted by the Harsh Screams of the Mad.

9:35 AM to 7:15 PM: Laudanum, O Sweet Laudanum! Strictly Medically Necessary.

What are Your excuses?