The Fiction-Writing Directorate

O, my little Garbanzo Beans! This week, we will turn our Exercises to the Internal. We shall Investigate our very Souls, and thus armed with Precious Knowledge, we shall Gird our Loins and Write bravely Onward.

You may do these Exercises in your Note-Book, and make your Report here to discuss your Findings. Gustav and I are busy with our own Investigations of the Insidious Evil that has Infected the Directorate, but never Fear that we do not have you in our Hearts.

Your Exercise:

Why are you not Writing? What are your Excuses? Simply Observe: we will attempt to Remedy the situation later. For now, simply Observe and Record every Recalcitrant instinct. Here is a Sample from my Journal this past Week-End, when I undertook this Exercise:

9:15 AM: Reason: Would prefer to eat Crumpets.

9:25 AM: Crumpet crumbs between the Keys of the Type-Writing Machine. Also, Out of Crumpets.

9:30 AM: Too Distracted by the Harsh Screams of the Mad.

9:35 AM to 7:15 PM: Laudanum, O Sweet Laudanum! Strictly Medically Necessary.

What are Your excuses?

Oh my Goodness.

I . . . I do not know what to Say. I have never been so Painfully Embarrassed. The Shame of the past few Days will Haunt me for Years.

Gustav has Prevailed upon my Doctors, and my Senses are no longer Numbed by Laudanum. I am still Confined to this Dreadful bed until my Bones knit together solidly, but it is a Delight to have my Mind back under my Control. And it is a Delight to have poor naive Gustav finally Understand the Truth of my Words.

Together, I am certain, we can Unearth the Evil that has Infected the Directorate. But the Perils of the attack on Gustav have Impressed upon me the Importance of Discretion: we must be Subtle.

Your Exercise:

My little Cappuccinos, all I can ask of you Today is that you Share my Shame: write a Moment for your Characters, the moment of his or her Deepest Shame.

And I Pray that next Week will be better for All of us. Onward, my Stalwarts. Onward.

O my little Anemones!

Thank you for your Kind Wishes and Get Well Cards; they have done much to Soothe me as I recover from my Horrifying attack. Today my Dear friend Gustav brought my Chair to the Solarium so that I might have some Peace, away from the Screams and Moans of the Mad and Wounded. As we Sat in the warm Silence of the Solarium, I told him of my Suspicions about my Attack.

O dear Gustav! He is Fiercely loyal to the Beastmaster, who Raised him, and would not Suffer me to speak a Word against him. I told Gustav of the Anger I saw in the Beastmaster’s eyes, yet still he did not Believe that the Beastmaster could have shoved me down the Stairs.

I did not expect Gustav to believe me; I am no Fool. Yet I did earn his Promise to help Investigate the Matter, if only so he can Prove the Innocence of his beloved Beastmaster. That is Sufficient: for dear Gustav is so Honest that he will Report his Findings, even if they Condemn the man he Respects above all others.

He is Furtively ransacking the Beastmaster’s quarters even now, seeking Clews.

Your Exercise

And thus, inspired by the Magpie-sharp eyes of Gustav, I challenge you: Ransack the moments of your Day for Shiny Things, and Record them. Each day, find Five Things that catch your Eye. A beautiful Leaf? A hideous slavering Hound? The line of bare Branches against the steely Sky? The stench of Cabbage from the scullery? The kindness of a Stranger? A brilliant Thought?Anything, my little Porcupines, anything: the only Requirement is that it Interests you.

Write your Treasures here or in your Note-Book each Day this week (and beyond!).  They will be an Invaluable Resource to you in Times of Struggle, when all the World seems Flat and Dull.

O my little Geckos! Something Dreadful has happened. Previously I told you how I feared the Beastmaster’s rage; I trembled in my Chamber, lest he be Guided by his Anger and Harm me.

Yet for many Hours that night, all was Silent, and eventually, my Trembling ceased. I began to Believe that I had given in to Womanly Fears of the most Cowardly sort. Determining at last to Sleep soundly for what Remained of the Night, I Ventured forth to fetch a mug of Warm Milk from the Kitchen.

O Foolishness!

I should not have Relaxed my Guard! For though I was not Frightened by the Dim hall and the Flickering Shadows cast by my Candle, nor by the Unsettling creaking sounds I heard, I was, indeed, Set Upon! As I stood at the top of the sweeping Staircase, I felt two firm Hands at the small of my Back! They Shoved! I Toppled, Screaming! I did not stop Screaming I lay crumpled and senseless at the foot of the Stairs.  A Scullery Maid found me in the Morning (though why she was not in the Scullery, I cannot imagine) and summoned help.

I write this from the Infirmary, where the Directorate’s fine Medical Staff is tending my Wounds. O how my Head Aches! O how the Cast on my Leg itches! O how I long to be Free from my Confinement so I can track down the Wretch who pushed me!

Your Exercise:

Have one of your Characters write me a Note of Consolation and Well-Wishes! Eschew the saccharine Sentiments of Hallmark, and let your Character’s voice Ring Out.

Ah. The Doctor approaches with a Sedative. I shall read your Replies tomorrow. Be well, my little Ducklings! Be Careful on the Stairs!

Hello, my little Panda Bears!

O, how Difficult life at the Directorate has been this Week. I told you on Monday how the escape of the Anaconda of Adverbs threw everything into Turmoil. We did, at length, recapture the Beast and return him to the Beastmaster.  At that Point, we turned our Attention toward Disciplining the Beastmaster.

I gave him the Sternest of Lectures, as you may Imagine. He nodded his Beastly Head at my Words, as if in Agreement; when I asked if he Understood and Repented, he said only “Yes Ma’am.” He was the very Picture of Abject Subservience: yet my Blood ran Cold, because I knew from the Reptilian Gleam in his Eye that his Words masked his Thoughts.  Rebellion brews in his Soul.

Today’s Exercise

Thus, my little Velociraptors, I bring you today’s Exercise. For most Human Discourse is not Direct. Humans are prone to Lie, Divert, Meander, Stutter, Repeat Themselves, and other Foolishness. Why, it is a Wonder any Human ever understands the Words of another.

Write a brief Scene in which two Characters argue; but let not their Words reflect the Truth of their Thoughts. You may rewrite the Conversation below, or craft your Own.

“You shouldn’t have done that!” she cried.

“I didn’t do that!” he replied.

“Yes, you did!” she sighed. “And I am very mad!”

“O Dearest! I’m sorry! You’re right!”

Good luck, brave Agents! I shall sleep with my door Barred tonight, lest the Beastmaster’s rebellion reach Fruition; for his sweet Words did not fool me.

All People speak Differently, my little Orchids. Why, you could no more Mistake my words for those of the Beastmaster than you could Mistake the Kraken for a Tyrannosaur.

Think of a Trio of characters you have Written, and Present for us a sampling of their Dialogue, without Extraneous Words.  Do your Characters sufficiently Distinguish themselves? Do you let their Words be the Measure of their Characters?

Adjust your Dialogue as necessary to Accentuate each Character.

Below is a passage of Prose written by a Senior Agent. It was Perfectly Splendid — until the Anaconda of Adverbs Befouled it. Not only is it now Strewn with Anaconda-droppings, but the other words have been Crushed into Bland insignificance and Tedium.

Can you help restore this Passage to its former Glory? Fix it, as Best you Can.

“Oh, hello, Amarillys, when did you get here?” asked Umberto guiltily and  accusingly and angrily as he walked really quickly across the floor toward her. He rapidly and furtively put his hands in his pockets.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Amarillys said, suspiciously and curiously.  “What is in your pockets?”

“Oh, nothing, Amarillys!!!” said Umberto loudly and even more defensively.

“Oh, be quiet,” Amarillys said meanly and went outside and closed the door shut behind her very loudly.

“Oh, bother,” said Umberto, sadly and pathetically.