The Fiction-Writing Directorate » Uncategorized

Two Fabulous Things

Lida — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 19:03:34 +0000

Darlings! O, how I have missed you in these long lonely days!

Someday, darlings, I may be able to tell you about the extraordinary adventures that have been forced upon the Directorate these past months; for now, however, I must keep my trembling silence. I may tell you only that my adoration for you continues unabated, and I eagerly anticipate the day when we have dealt with the horrors which confront us so that I may return to you.

I offer these two fabulous things to keep you inspired and informed until that marvelous day.

First, the luminous Elissa Bassist at the Rumpus offers bountiful wisdom. Darlings! Go read Unsolicited Writing Advice You Want.

- Write every day. If you can’t do that, do this: set an egg timer for 20 minutes; get a pencil and paper and have them touch; don’t lift your pen or pencil off the paper; write “I cannot write every day” on the piece of paper until you have something else to say; do this every day.

- A conversation between two writers: Writer 1 says, “Blah blah blah,” and Writer 2 says, “Shut up and write.”

Second, may I call your attention to the doings of the Directorate’s beloved Dance of Shiva teacher, Ms. Wodzinski? She’s started her own delicious site, including a fabulous club for Dance of Shiva students. Fear not; Ms. Wodzinski will continue her work at the Directorate! We wish her the most extraordinary success in her new project.

Until the fates bring us together again, darlings! Kisses!

Clear the Decks Friday: Flow Around

Ethelie — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 19:06:54 +0000

A Shameful Harlot

Darlings! Welcome to another delicious Friday! Let us all work together to clear our decks, shall we?

Earlier today, I sprang refreshed from the nourishing arms of slumber, eager to savour the day. After breaking my fast and performing my ablutions, I dove into the very first task on my list: a somewhat overdue assessment of an Agent’s performance with his writing goals.

It’s an important task, darling! Yet somehow, without me even noticting, over an hour slipped away into diversionary shenanigans of the most pointless kind. Oh, dear, I muttered, as I turned away from the internet. Oh dear, oh dear! I was supposed to be working! I’d set out full of enthusiasm, only to find myself adrift.

What had happened? How could my eagerness have been dissipated so easily?

I realized: I did not want to write the assessment. They are dreadful bureaucratic documents that only Ethelie could like; I can think of dozens — nay, hundreds! — of more felicitous uses of my time! Indeed, it makes perfect sense that I should wish to avoid it!

Yet why did I not simply set aside the loathsome task, and choose another? My list contained several wonderful items, including shopping for a present for one of my companions, posing for some salacious photographs, and obtaining a foot massage! The report isn’t even due until Monday. O Foolish Mind! It became so set upon completing the task I set it that it excluded all other tasks; so its only option, when it foundered on the shoals of avoidance, was to divert me into diversionary shenanigans.

Surely there is a better approach. Thus I set myself my theme for the day:

Instead, Flow Around.

When blocked, simply set the task aside, and select another.

I believe this approach requires three attributes if it is to succeed:

First, we must be vigilant, my loves. I am so accustomed to my avoidance that often, as happened this morning, I do not even notice when I have gone astray. Thus my first step is to simply pay attention.

Next, we must be kind, darlings. When you find yourself adrift, do not shout; simply gently reel your mind back in. You have avoided the task for a perfectly good reason; instead of stern recriminations, greet yourself with comfort. If you fall short, the Directorate will be ready with recriminations; you may safely leave the work of chastizement to us, and focus on being kind to yourself.

Finally, we must trust ourselves, beauties. Trust yourself to come back to the task you have set aside; trust your mind to quietly work to resolve its difficulties; trust that you can wisely choose the next task to which you apply yourself. Trust yourself to grow, to strengthen your skills, and to flourish. I fear this is the work of a lifetime — yet should we not begin it?

Join Me?

Talk to me in the comments, my scrumptious friends! What tasks are you avoiding? How can you best flow around them?

Clear the Decks Thursday: Vacation Edition

Ethelie — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 20:30:36 +0000

Ethelie

O my little Apple Blossoms! Tomorrow, the Staff of the Directorate departs for its annual Corporate Retreat; thus, we must Clear our Decks a day Early.

An imminent Vacation has a marvelously Focussing effect on one’s Mind, don’t you think? When one is faced with an Immovable Deadline, the essential tasks stand out with Marked Clarity, and all other Concerns fade into a Murky and Undistinguished background.

Already today I Labored with Mr. Boggins on revealing the new Directorate Emporium! Now you can purchase splendid Directorate goods, and constantly be Reminded of your Obligations by virtue of Gustav observing you from a Mug. Indeed, these are no Ordinary Mugs, but have the full Force and Power of the Directorate embedded in their Ceramic. Weaker Agents should not Purchase this Mug, lest they be Overpowered. But if you believe in your Strength and Committment, please Peruse the Wares.

Yet more Tasks await! I must ensure that Gustav has not smuggled Absinthe in his Luggage, so that we may Avoid repeating last year’s Debacle; I must lecture Lida on Propriety, and create a set of Flash Cards for her Reference in moments of Temptation. I must verify our Motivational Speaker’s travel arrangements; and I must attend to a Dozen–nay, a Hundred!–nay, a Thousand!–other details, before Clambering wearily into Lida’s Zeppelin, which will Convey us to our Undisclosed Location.

I fear I shall Sorely need your Companionship, when my Resolve grows Weary. Won’t you Join me in Clearing the Decks today?

Introducing the Art of Shiva Nata

Ethelie — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 02:47:15 +0000

The Fiction-Writing Directorate is Delighted to announce that Ms. Beth Wodzinski, renowned Shiva Nata instructor, is joining the Staff of the Directorate. She will instruct Agents in the ancient Dance of Shiva. — Ethelie.

Hi, I’m Beth. I am both surprised and pleased to find myself employed by the Fiction-Writing Directorate.

Beth

I’m a certified Dance of Shiva instructor, and am really looking forward to bringing this practice to the recalcitrant writers of the Directorate. I bet the Dance of Shiva can help you keep your limbs from being devoured by the Hounds: it can help dissolve blocks, give you energy, and help your creativity flow.

Shiva What?

In the words of my teacher, Havi Brooks: “Shiva Nata (Andrey Lappa’s Dance of Shiva) is a yoga-based mind-body training system that builds new neural connections and stimulates epiphanies.”

It’s a system of very simple arm and leg movements that combine in a series of increasingly complicated and mind-altering patterns. It’s sort of like patting your head while rubbing your stomach, only a lot more complicated. Want to see a demo? Here’s a video Andrey Lappa, the world expert, and this one’s Havi Brooks.

Looks fun, right? It is.

How Does Dance of Shiva Work?

The idea is that by practicing the movements of shiva nata, your customary patterns get interrupted, and new ones can emerge.

I like to think of it this way: picture your brains as a big bucket of marbles. Some are really pretty; some are probably dusty; and some have some ancient black tar or something on them.

Shiva nata is like taking this bucket of marbles, filling it up with water and maybe a tiny bit of soap. Gently shake the bucket, and rinse well.

What do your marbles look like now? A lot of them are shiny, with all the dust rinsed off. Maybe there’s a little less of that sticky black stuff that was on the other ones. And they’ve all been rearranged into new positions. Everything looks different and easier.

It’s not about losing your marbles: just about rearranging them.

That’s what shiva nata does, in just a few minutes.

But I’m a Writer, Not a Dancer! What Will This Do For Me?

You have patterns. (That’s not a bad thing; everything’s a pattern.) Some of those patterns involve your writing, and I bet you’d like to have some better patterns.

The way you watch TV all night instead of working on your short story? That’s a pattern.

The way you screw around on the internet all day instead of working on your novel? That’s a pattern.

The way you “forget” to submit your completed stories? That’s a pattern.

Or maybe you don’t even know what your patterns are – sometimes we’re the very last ones to realize how we act.

Dance of Shiva helps you see your patterns, and helps you see new ways to work with them – effortlessly. All of a sudden you might realize that if you spend your lunch break working on your short stories, you can have your entire night free for guiltless relaxation. Or you might realize that whenever you sit down to write, you hear your second grade teacher’s critical voice telling you that you suck.

So shiva nata is a great tool for working with your patterns. It can help you dissolve your blocks and flourish.

But there’s more.

Fiction has patterns, too. The complex interactions of character, setting, action, emotion, word choice — it’s all patterns. And just as shiva nata can give you fresh perspectives on your own patterns, it can give you fresh perspectives on the patterns in your fiction.

Stuck on a plot point? Try some shiva nata.

Character seems flat? Try some shiva nata.

Your prose is dull and listless? Try some shiva nata.

What Next?

If you’re ready to get started now, you could get the Shiva Nata Starter Kit from Havi Brooks (affiliate link). The kit includes Andrey’s DVD, which teaches you the arm positions and enough levels to keep you busy for years, and Havi’s additional materials explain how it all works, why it’s amazing, and how to fit it into your life.

Or just hang out here at the Fiction-Writing Directorate. I’ll be writing about Shiva Nata for writers every week. And that, my friends, is why you should avidly read every word I say about the fun and useful art of Shiva Nata. (To be sure you don’t miss a word, sign up for updates by email in the box at the left.)

Questions?

Ask ‘em in the comments.

On the Merits of Clearing the Decks

Ethelie — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 15:00:29 +0000

Ethelie

O my little Cuttlefish!

This December past, the staff of the Fiction-Writing Directorate undertook a marvelous Experiment: Clear the Decks December. The results were so Salubrious, we knew we must Share them with you. We encourage you to undertake a similar Experiment of your own, that you may also Benefit.

Our Unspeakable Problem

Our list of Terribly Important Tasks was unending. Tasks, like Biscuit-Crumbs, have a devious Manner about them, and accumulate rapidly despite one’s best Efforts to brush them off one’s Bosom; and before long, one finds oneself veritably Buried. Attend to this Message, burn that Message in the Hearth-fire; ensure that the Verbhounds nibble only the smallest Finger of this balky Writer but devours the Leg entire of that; chastize Lida for both this and that; and on and on it goes. I trust you are Familiar with the Phenomenon.

Yet we knew we had Great Work to achieve in 2011. How, we wondered, could we find the Time and Resources to do Great Work, when we were already Overwhelmed by a vast Ocean of work?

The answer, I fear, was that we simply could not. Even the Directorate has its limits–yea, even I have my own Limits!–and we had Reached them, by Virtue of great Bravery and Effort, like Captain Robert Scott reaching the South Pole. Yet all of our (very considerable) Bravery and Courage were no longer enough! Lest we Perish like Captain Scott, we knew we must take Immediate and Decisive Action.

Our Ambitious Plan

We huddled together like Survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse to make our Plan. We dreamed of the empty List. Just think of it, my little Emperor Penguins! What would it be like if your List were Truly and Honestly empty? Dream of the majestic Silence and Space of the South Pole. Dream of a vast white Canvas upon which to Splash your dreams of 2011.

Yet we could not simply Discard our tasks like so much Rubbish. Each represented an Intent and an Obligation and a Dream; they were no mere Clutter. Oh, perhaps some of them could be Culled, like the weakest Pups in a Litter; but most required Action.

Thus we Decided: we would give ourselves one Month to Clear our Decks of all the Detritus which made Great Work seem so Appalling and Impossible. We would forge our own Antarctica!

How to Clear the Decks

Begin by crying, as we did, No new work! Slam shut the Gates and bind them with a heavy Chain. Your Work is to Clear the Decks, and that Effort will require Daunting amounts of Energy, Enthusiasm, Skill, and Persistence. Let the new Work wait until your Decks are Clear, and you can approach it with a Clear Heart. Give yourself the Gift of Time to clear your Decks. If they could be Cleared in the course of Ordinary Events, my little Mallards, they would be Clear already, would they not? Indeed! Thus you must ensure that the course of Ordinary Events does not Infringe upon this Work.

Next, create a mighty List. Make it as Complete as possible — all lingering Tasks must be Listed, or, like unwritten Words, they may Fester. If it has Lingered on your List or in your Mind, write it down. Cast your net Widely! Consider your Work: what modest tasks have you Neglected because they are too Terrible or too Trivial to tackle? Consider your Home: is it Clean and in Good Repair? Consider your Body: Is it Clean and in Good Repair? Consider your Relationships: have you called your Mother? Paid your Nurse-Maid? And thus Proceed: Consider each aspect of your Life, and make your mighty List.

Then expose each Task to the brutal Light of Day. Is it still Essential? What is the most Efficacious way to Achieve it? Add, remove, revise Tasks with Abandon until you have Achieved a list that you are Satisfied is both Complete and Streamlined.

After that, my little Buttercups, you have only to do the Work. Apply yourself! Persist!

Five Salubrious Benefits

Ah, yes, it is a terrible amount of Work, indeed. Much of it is Drudgery; for if this Work was Felicitous, you would not have Avoided it, would you? But I assure you, my little Rat-Terriers, the Benefits of completing Long-avoided Tasks are most Salubrious. Attend!

1. The most obvious Benefit of completing Tasks is simply that you Achieve the End you intended when you set yourself the Task. It was on your List for a Reason: now you may enjoy the Fruits of your Labor.

2. Each incomplete Task, however Trivial, weighs up on your Soul. Each Task is a Promise you have made to yourself — a promise you have Broken by not Completing it. Thus each task becomes Burdened with Guilt and Shame, and is Vastly heavier than it might otherwise be. Completing the Task not only relieves you of the Task, but of the associated Shame. You might also find the Shame Bucket efficacious in similar cases. Completing an ancient Task feels exquisite.

3. Each incomplete Task, however Trivial, weighs upon your Mind. Incomplete tasks live in Agony, and insist that you Complete them. Oh, yes, my little Snow-Geese, you have Steeled yourselves to their Cries; you have turned your Ears to Stone that you may not hear their Piteous Whispers, their Insidious Wails, their desolate Murmurs at Dawn. But a part of you Knows of the Suffering of the Incomplete; you cannot forget Entire. Complete the Tasks, and know Peace of Mind.

4. The Snowball of Victory: as each Task is completed, your Momentum builds and builds. At first it is the Tiniest Snowflake; then the Flake accumulates others in its Wake and becomes a Snowball, and Plummets ever-faster down the Slope. But do not stop at a mere Snowball, my little Apple-Blossoms! Let each Victory lead to the Next, until you have created a veritable Avalanche of Victory! Persist, and you will build an Implacable Habit of Action.

5. Your Own Personal Antarctica: Having completed our Mighty List for December, we found ourselves very much where we Anticipated: in a Blissful and Zen-like state of Emptiness. We were pure Potential, unmired by our ancient Burdens, our sordid Pasts and our Fears. We had truly given ourselves the magnificent gift of a Blank Slate.

I am so Eager to see what we make of this Opportunity.

Won’t you Join Us?

Would you like to Clear your own Decks this January? Each Friday, we will undertake a Clearing. This feeling is too Delicious to let it become Overwhelmed by the usual Accumulation; so we have Vowed to dedicate one day each Week to Clearing. You’re invited to Join us. Simply visit the Directorate on Friday and join the Clearing Workshop. Set aside the Time, and Complete your work.

Until then, my little Rubber-Trees, tell us about your Experiences with Tasks and their Completion. Speak below; our Comments section simply cannot fill itself.

The Year in Review

Ethelie — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 19:59:41 +0000

O my little Holly-Berries!

I write today’s Post, the Last of the Year, aquiver with Excitement.

Our Year in Review

O my little Mistletoe! What an Extraordinary year for the Fiction-Writing Directorate. In February we broke Centuries of staid Silence and stepped out into the InterWebs so that we might further Pursue our Mission. Since then, we Released our Manifesto, created our first Course and befriended the Giant Squid. To our Despair, and the Beastmaster’s Delight, no less than Thirteen unfortunate Writers were Devoured entire by the Hounds, and Dozens more now sport finely crafted Prosthetic Limbs to replace the ones upon which the Hounds have Feasted.

Our New Look

What a splendid job Mr. Boggins has done of Tidying up our Web-Site! I have perhaps Underestimated the man’s Skills; I shall not make that Error again. Nor shall I make the Error of allowing him to Paint a Mural in the Drawing-Room. Though he has thoroughly Whitewashed his Evil Deed, the stronger Lines of his Creation seep through. I shudder.

The Fiction-Writing Directorate extends its thanks to all those without whose skilled Assistance our new Look would be less Delicious: Ms. Rasmussen-Silverstein for her rendition of the Hounds; Ms. Wilson for her Header, and of course Mr. Boggins for his Aesthetic Sensibilities.

Our New Course

Whilst vacationing in chilly Splendor at the Ice Hotel, I put the Finishing Touches on our Course! Many months ago we Surveyed you to better Understand your needs and Desires, and this magnificent Course is the Result. Writing Whilst Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse: Nine Essential Teachings is now Available. To ensure that the Maximum number of Writers remain Undevoured by the Undead, this Course is entirely Free and entirely Wonderful.

I strongly Recommend that you Enroll immediately. It would be Complacent to assume that no Zombies will lurch through your Holidays; Be Prepared.

Our New Year

But we shall not rest on our Laurels, no matter how Cushiony and Fragrant they may be. We shall march Bravely into the new Year, and Unveil new Wonders to Help and Delight. We shall Post regularly, with Exhortations and Cautionary Tales. We will Introduce you to the Ancient Art of Shiva Nata, a System which Expeditiously dissolves most Auctorial Blocks. We shall offer exciting Products, from Workshops to Coffee-Mugs.

Perhaps 2011 will be the Year in which all our Agents write Freely: and the Hounds go Hungry. Won’t you Join us?

I Shined Up the Ol’ Directorate

Boggins — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 05:11:23 +0000

Before Miss Ethelie left on her yearly Ice Hotel vacation, she put me in charge of cleaning up the Directorate webspace. This site you’re readin’ right now as you gnaw on your biscuits.

I said “Woman, I don’t know the first thing about fixin webspaces,” but she just ta-ta’d me and had one of her pet sherpas carry her bags to the zeppelin and left.

I sat in front before one of Gustav’s sinful computer boxes and contemplated the webspace. It looked worse than the crawlspace underneath Mama’s porch with the pile of dead rats and Mittens the cat’s outdoor litter box.

“Well, Boggins,” I says to myself, “cleanin up is cleanin up,” and I got to work. I swept away the cobwebs and replaced the burnt-out bulbs and made something truly Boggins-worthy. It wasn’t that hard. A tweak here, a twerk there. I sat back and had myself a bowl of pineapple biscuit stew and admired my work. It’s right nice, I thinks to myself, all shiny and new.

Let me tell you, though. This Webspace design was not in my janitorial services contract, so as a reward I helped myself to some of Miss Ethelie’s laudanum. That’s some powerful stuff, that laudanum; it makes everything swirly and stacked like a pile of bricks. Passed myself out for a while and woke up on Ethelie’s bed. To my purple-headed horror, I found that, in my laudanum haze, I had gotten into the art closet and painted a mural of a verbhound eating a baby duck.

It was graphic.

Miss Ethelie is due back later this evening, and I have a wall to repaint. Miss Ethelie sure wouldn’t enjoy this mural, but I sure hope you enjoy my handiwork on this here Webspace.

On the Merits of Giving Up

Ethelie — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 22:59:27 +0000

The Directorate is filled with the Wails of Agents who struggle with their NaNoWriMo Novels. Oh, to be sure, many Agents have flourished this Month, typing Hundreds of Thousands of exquisite words. We applaud them!

But others, despite the Directorate’s best Efforts, languish. It is almost as if the Ungrateful Wretches do this out of Spite.

An Example of a Struggling Writer

Let me Present to you the example of Agent Sweetman-Gross. This Unfortunately Hyphenated agent came to me Yesterday, weeping. She was nearly twenty-thousand words Behind, and doubted she would ever Succeed. Indeed, I shared her Doubts. She was a Terrible sight to behold: both Legs had been fed to the Verb-Hounds, and her Wounds seeped a foul-smelling Substance. Boggins laid down a Plastic Sheet so she would not Soil the Carpeting. Her eyes were Haggard, her flesh Pale, her hair Stringy and Unwashed. Such Agony was visited upon her by her Refusal to Write! O, Recalictrant Writers, be ye not like Agent Sweetman-Gross.

“Perhaps you should quit,” I told her.

She gaped at me, rather Stupidly.

“Indeed,” I said. “Quit. Your Agony is quite Revolting, and I cannot Bear the stench of your Infected Wounds. Quit!”

Agent Sweetman-Gross was Silent for many Minutes, then raised her Tremulous Eyes to meet Mine. “Really?” she said, with a Heartbreaking tone of Hope in her Voice. Ah, I had not been Wrong: she was Ready to Quit.

“Really,” I said, firmly. “You shall Remain at the Directorate to have your Wounds treated and to get a Good Night’s Slumber; then you are Free of any Obligation to Write.” With that I turned back to the day’s News-Papers. Agent Sweetman-Gross hobbled off to the Infirmary.

The Next Day she was Much Improved.

A sound Night’s sleep had worked Wonders upon her: her Skin had attained a Rosy Glow, her Wounds bore Clean bandages, and her Uncontrollable Trembling had nearly Vanished. With the terrible Burden of writing Removed, she was Thriving. I left her to Devour an enormous Breakfast, and went about my Business. Later that Afternoon I chanced to Encounter her in the Library, where she was Frantically working at a Type-Writing machine.

“It’s my novel,” she admitted, Sheepishly, when I inquired.

I smiled: for thus had been my Devious Scheme all along. It worked Perfectly!

How Quitting Cures Writer’s Block–Sometimes

You see, my little Striped Bass, for many Writers, pressure is Inimicable to their Creative Desires. Relieve the Pressure, and as if by Magic, the words begin to Flow again. The true Heart of the Writer can once again Beat out its Mighty Rhythm, and keep Time with the Type-writing Machine.

I must Caution you: this splendid Technique only Works if performed with utter Sincerity. You must truly be ready to Give Up, to trade your Dreams of Auctorial Glory for a Cessation of Suffering. You must truly have Decided that it is not worth the Agony. You may Indeed discover that you have Truly Quit: do not Attempt this unless that is more Desirable than the Gall and Bitter Wormwood of your Attempts to Write.

Further, you must be Genuine when you Quit, for Creativity knows a Fraud when it sees it. You cannot pretend to Quit and expect the Floodgates to Open. If you have not Truly quit, the Burden is not Truly released, and your Muse is not Truly free.

Are you Ready to Quit and be Free?

This Solution is not for Every-One and should not be undertaken Lightly. Have you ever Quit, only to feel a Marvelous resurgence of Purpose? Tell us in the Comments, my little Mallards!

An Exhortation: On Second Thoughts

Gustav — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 17:00:00 +0000

Gustav

Good evening, Brave Writers. Today I wish to share with you the cautionary tale of a young writer named — ah, let us call her Felicia Alicia McPecia, to protect what scanty shreds of privacy she retains. (I am well aware that this weak pseudonym will do little to deter astute readers from discerning her true identity; I can only beg you to allow Miss McPecia to live out her days of squalor and ignominy unmolested.) Her tale is not, as you might think, a warning against the cruel critics who drove her to drink, gambling, and madness, but a warning against second thoughts.

Miss McPecia first came to the Directorate’s attention when she began her epic work, a sixteen-part saga involving Vikings, dragons, modern banking conspiracies, sentient tattoos, and a dozen other unlikely items. It seemed a ghastly mish-mash to me, though the quality of her work was not our concern: we feared that sixteen volumes might prove too much for any author. We put her on a special Watch List as soon as she began to blather about the work to her writing group, and vowed to keep her typing diligently away, however incoherent her vision for the work might be.

At first, it seemed our suspicions were misplaced. Not only did Miss McPecia blaze through her first draft with a speed some called “unseemly,” but the first volume found a publisher and popular success! Incredible — but the reading public’s taste has never been less than utterly abhorrent.

Unfortunately, publication was the last good thing to happen to Miss McPecia. For no sooner had her volume appeared on the shelf, when she began to have second thoughts. I should not have ended the volume with the banker’s firey Viking funeral, she mused; for it will make the jollity of the opening of the next volume appear unseemly. No matter; all she had to do was rearrange the scenes of the second volume a bit, to open with a bit more gravitas. No matter!

Poor foolish Miss McPecia.

For second thoughts, like sorrows and mosquitoes, come not as single spies but as batallions.

Once she allowed the first of the legion past her guard, the way was clear for the rest, and she was beset. I should change the heroine to a dog! For everyone adores dogs! she thought, and then Why aren’t there any robots in this beastly novel? and I have not drunk enough absinthe to write this scene! and What on earth will Great-Aunt Maureen Laureen McFlorine think of the steamy scene in Chapter Sixty-Nine? I should have made it more sedate!

And just like that, all hope was lost, for Miss McPecia was consumed by second thoughts. She found herself unable to even begin her second novel, for second thoughts had devoured her mind and, indeed, her very soul, and left her as nothing more than an empty (but attractive) vessel in which second thoughts could cavort licentiously. All trace of creativity had been permanently erradicated.

Her publisher was distraught, and sent Miss McPecia’s editrix to help her regain her will to write. But the poor editrix was no match for the vast wave of Miss MicPecia’s second thoughts, and before long, succumbed to her own second thoughts, and joined Miss McPecia at the docks for gambling, opium-smoking, and other shameful behavior, all documented in the tabloids of the day.

It is a tragic tale, Brave Writers. Let it not become yours.

All are vulnerable.

Why, even seasoned Directorate agents such as myself can be vulnerable to the deadly plague of second thoughts. I find myself hesitating before posting this: for why was the Directorate not able to save Miss McPecia from herself? Indeed; mistakes, hideous and unforgiveable, were made. I myself was so absorbed by Miss McPecia’s novel that I did not pay sufficient attention to her progress on its sequels; I shall bear the stench of that failure for the rest of my life.

Do I not have my own second thoughts about that misbegotten Manifesto that cost so dearly? Do I not have my own dark cloak of second thoughts wrapped around me at all times?

Indeed.

But I cannot allow myself to fall, unwary, into the same trap, and allow myself to become mired in the dark cesspool of second thoughts. I must summon all my courage, and proceed. Thus I present:

Three Steps to Avoid Succumbing to Swarms of Second Thoughts.

1. Be aware. Miss McPecia was an innocent: she did not understand the risk she faced. Now that you have read this missive, you are forewarned, and will approach the shadows in your path with trepidation and caution.

2. Be impervious. Do not listen. Hold your vision, however improbable, unlikely, bizarre, and wrong it may be: hold your vision tight, and write it. Do not allow second thoughts to sway you away from your path. Let your vision be a mighty shield; let it deflect all sorrows, mosquitoes, and second thoughts.

3. Be implacable. Simply write, undaunted. Subsite sermonem statim et scribe.

Your Turn.

What second thoughts beset you? Bring them to light here, that we may help you with their banishment.

Three Wholesome Teachings On Writer’s Block

Ethelie — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 23:51:47 +0000

O my little Opium Poppies! I am Delighted to see you again, and while I wish I could Trust you have been Diligent in our too-lengthy Absence, I fear a Noxious Slackness has overcome you. Fear no more, Faithful Agents! The Fiction-Writing Directorate has Returned.

The Directorate wishes to offer its Most Sincere Thanks and Appreciation to the Giant Squid, for kindly Guest-Posting. Even my great Shock at his most Scandalous Accusations does not negate my Gratitude.

Where were we, you Inquire, most nosily? O my little Whip-Poor-Wills, we traveled to a Distant and Mysterious city to learn the Ancient and Bizarre art of Shiva Nata. It is an Extraordinary practice, one Sure to help Dissolve even the most stubborn of Writer’s Blocks. We look Forward to bringing these Teachings to our Students.

After our Class, we retreated to the Directorate’s secret Hide-Out in Tibet, where we hid from the Sweltering Summer and Meditated deeply. Very very deeply! When not Meditating, we were engaged in Useful Tasks, such as rescuing unfortunate Wretches (and their Kittens!) from a Burning Orphanage, comforting and aiding Widows, and succoring the Poor. It was very very Noble of us and I –

O! I cannot continue this Foul Lie! My little Pomegranates, we were not in Tibet; we were not being Noble at all. Nay! We returned from our Training to find ourselves Mired in a most insidious Writer’s Block of our own! The Horror!

Perhaps you can Imagine our Consternation. That we, the entire Staff of the formidable Fiction-Writing Directorate, should find ourselves so stymied. We wailed; we gnashed our fearsome Teeth; we threatened ourselves with Dire Punishments; we coddled ourselves with Pie; yet we found only the slightest Glimmers of Relief from our terrible Condition. Only Boggins seemed Immune, and went about his Tasks with his usual unsettling Cheer.

Even though we feared our Condition was Terminal, we Persisted; we had no Choice. In time, we clawed ourselves out of the Abyss into which we had Fallen, and now return with a Flourish of Triumphant Trumpets, to bring you:

Three Wholesome Teachings on Writer’s Block

The First Teaching

You are not Broken. You may feel Crushed under your Block; you may feel Hopeless; you may feel Doomed to everlasting Darkness; you may feel the Holy Fire of your Writing has been Permanently Extinguished. O my little Russian Wolf-Hounds, please know that you are Not Lost. Even if you are nothing more than a Brain floating in a Vat of Murky Brine, and can see no cause for Hope, you must not Despair. With appropriate Persistance, you will Find your Way. You are not Broken until the Hounds have Licked the last fetid fleck of Marrow from your Crackling Bones.

I Promise. Trust Me, if you cannot trust Yourself.

The Second Teaching

You do not need the Holy Fire of Inspiration or Purpose to Write. If all Inspiration has Abandoned you, if all the world is Gray and Tasteless in your Mouth, if all that Thrums in your Veins is Laudanum, be Thankful! For now you can learn to Write by virtue of your own Skill, which is vastly more Reliable than a Flickering and Unsteady celestial Flame. O my little Rhinocerous, I know it is a terrible Cliche; but there is terrible Truth in the Ancient Words: There is no such thing as Janitor’s Block.

Make Boggins your Model, and simply Carry On, until you find your Biscuit.

The Third Teaching

Help Others. Even as we were Crushed by our own Block, we found Solace in helping other Writers. It is vastly easier to help Others than to help Yourself, we Realized. Our teaching of the Strange Art of Shiva Nata helped two Agents begin their Novels; and seeing their Progress inspired Us, after all our other Techniques had Failed miserably. Even when we were at our most Recalcitrant, we could not help but be Improved by our own Wise Counsel.

Your Turn.

Please tell us how you Consoled yourself in the Long and Sorrowful period of our Absence. Or tell us how you Intend to apply our Three Wholesome Teachings to the Foulness of your own Writer’s Block.