The Fiction-Writing Directorate maintains a Vast Bestiary of Creatures. O my Sweet Octopi! I most Sincerely hope you are Reading this Page because you are drawn to its Horrid Glory, and not Rather because you have earned Disciplinary Actions and seek to know your Horrible Fate. Read on, if you Dare: and know what awaits you if you Fail.
Read the Beastmaster’s series of Informative Essays for further Guidance on the Care, Feeding, and Adoration of these Beasts.
VerbHounds: The workhorse of the Bestiary, these Ferocious Creatures are always Hungry. Yet the Beastmaster has trained them to Admirable Restraint, and they will only Devour as much of a Writer as is appropriate to the Level of Resistance. They may Consume the merest joint of your Smallest Finger, or they may Feast upon you Entire.
Kraken of Characterization: The Reflecting Pool in front of the Directorate’s Secret Headquarters is more than a Scenic Spot for Restful Contemplation; it also houses the Kraken of Characterization. Beware! For you may find yourself dragged into the pool’s Vasty Depth in the Tender but Damp arms of the Kraken. Once believed to be no more than a Tale told by Drunken Sailors, the Kraken waits with Terrible Patience for unwary Writers. None who visit him have yet Returned.
Plot Spiders: Perhaps the Plot Spiders can help you Untangle that Tale upon which you are so Stuck. They spin Cunning Webs which expose Extraordinary Coincidences, Unexpected Twists, Subtle Layers, and Glistening Resolutions. But first, they Feast upon a Lazy Writer’s Eyes and nibble out a Passage into the Brain, where their Splendid Webs may be unfurled. The Directorate’s fine bevy of Plot Spiders has just Hatched a fine lot of hungry Spiderlings.
Pit of Scorpions: Though dreadfully Ordinary, the Scorpions exact their own painful Vengeance upon the Lax Writer. The Pit in which they Lurk is very, very dark; if you bring a Lantern with you, its flickering Beams may allow you to Glimpse the Scorpions before they Strike.
Adjective Knives: A relative of the Machete of Modifiers, the Adjective Knife is small but Extremely Sharp, and will Pare Away all that is Unnecessary. O, my little Tea Rose, you have simply No Idea how much of your Flesh is truly unnecessary. I urge you to Avoid finding out.
Zombie Sherpas: The Zombie Sherpas prey upon those who Linger as they climb the Steep Mountain that is Novel-Writing. Do not Tarry, O Novelista; that is not the Wind you hear howling in the Peaks. Hasten up the Mountain!