Three Wholesome Teachings On Writer’s Block

O my little Opium Poppies! I am Delighted to see you again, and while I wish I could Trust you have been Diligent in our too-lengthy Absence, I fear a Noxious Slackness has overcome you. Fear no more, Faithful Agents! The Fiction-Writing Directorate has Returned.

The Directorate wishes to offer its Most Sincere Thanks and Appreciation to the Giant Squid, for kindly Guest-Posting. Even my great Shock at his most Scandalous Accusations does not negate my Gratitude.

Where were we, you Inquire, most nosily? O my little Whip-Poor-Wills, we traveled to a Distant and Mysterious city to learn the Ancient and Bizarre art of Shiva Nata.  It is an Extraordinary practice, one Sure to help Dissolve even the most stubborn of Writer’s Blocks. We look Forward to bringing these Teachings to our Students.

After our Class, we retreated to the Directorate’s secret Hide-Out in Tibet, where we hid from the Sweltering Summer and Meditated deeply. Very very deeply! When not Meditating, we were engaged in Useful Tasks, such as rescuing unfortunate Wretches (and their Kittens!) from a Burning Orphanage, comforting and aiding Widows, and succoring the Poor. It was very very Noble of us and I –

O! I cannot continue this Foul Lie! My little Pomegranates, we were not in Tibet; we were not being Noble at all. Nay! We returned from our Training to find ourselves Mired in a most insidious Writer’s Block of our own! The Horror!

Perhaps you can Imagine our Consternation. That we, the entire Staff of the formidable Fiction-Writing Directorate, should find ourselves so stymied. We wailed; we gnashed our fearsome Teeth; we threatened ourselves with Dire Punishments; we coddled ourselves with Pie; yet we found only the slightest Glimmers of Relief from our terrible Condition. Only Boggins seemed Immune, and went about his Tasks with his usual unsettling Cheer.

Even though we feared our Condition was Terminal, we Persisted; we had no Choice. In time, we clawed ourselves out of the Abyss into which we had Fallen, and now return with a Flourish of Triumphant Trumpets, to bring you:

Three Wholesome Teachings on Writer’s Block

The First Teaching

You are not Broken. You may feel Crushed under your Block; you may feel Hopeless; you may feel Doomed to everlasting Darkness; you may feel the Holy Fire of your Writing has been Permanently Extinguished. O my little Russian Wolf-Hounds, please know that you are Not Lost. Even if you are nothing more than a Brain floating in a Vat of Murky Brine, and can see no cause for Hope, you must not Despair. With appropriate Persistance, you will Find your Way. You are not Broken until the Hounds have Licked the last fetid fleck of Marrow from your Crackling Bones.

I Promise. Trust Me, if you cannot trust Yourself.

The Second Teaching

You do not need the Holy Fire of Inspiration or Purpose to Write. If all Inspiration has Abandoned you, if all the world is Gray and Tasteless in your Mouth, if all that Thrums in your Veins is Laudanum, be Thankful! For now you can learn to Write by virtue of your own Skill, which is vastly more Reliable than a Flickering and Unsteady celestial Flame. O my little Rhinocerous, I know it is a terrible Cliche; but there is terrible Truth in the Ancient Words: There is no such thing as Janitor’s Block.

Make Boggins your Model, and simply Carry On, until you find your Biscuit.

The Third Teaching

Help Others. Even as we were Crushed by our own Block, we found Solace in helping other Writers. It is vastly easier to help Others than to help Yourself, we Realized. Our teaching of the Strange Art of Shiva Nata helped two Agents begin their Novels; and seeing their Progress inspired Us, after all our other Techniques had Failed miserably. Even when we were at our most Recalcitrant, we could not help but be Improved by our own Wise Counsel.

Your Turn.

Please tell us how you Consoled yourself in the Long and Sorrowful period of our Absence. Or tell us how you Intend to apply our Three Wholesome Teachings to the Foulness of your own Writer’s Block.